Here We Are Not

I am years away from you now;
a distance you never desired,
and I never resisted.

I dare not say I love you;
I would hardly even know you.
Yet, I still find myself longing.

Held in the echoes of moments,
fleeting, yet touching reality closer
than many, more purposeful memories.

Your face terrifies, and excites;
burdens, and relieves;
awakens chaos and harmony.

I wonder if these moments ever find you;
break your defenses the way they break mine.
I wonder if our echoes ever cross paths.

Years of possibilities lie dormant
under heavy eyelids;
an impossible distance, in the blink of an eye.

-Alisha Jael

 

Undying

Cancerous thoughts consume;
I feel like I should vomit;
purge this sickness from my gut,
pour it out for all to see,
as if, bearing my disgust would free me.

I am diseased;
no desperate act will cure me.
Yet, weakness whimpers through the pain,
begging acceptance.

I inhale the stench of rot and say,
no, never, I will not.
To live a lie is to exist undead;
remain awake, unfulfilled, unchanged,
while hope disintegrates.

I shall with sickness unto dust become,
until weakness begs not acceptance,
but forgiveness.
It is then, I shall be… reborn.

Swallow

I twist the childproof top
off my bottle of failure,
place my shame at the back
of my throat,
and swallow my disgrace
with a swig water

This is what I have become;
a small, round, green,
end to feeling

numbness

apathy

Waiting on change to come,
saying “tomorrow I’ll be strong”
Yesterday, I said the same,
but today… I’m still tired

So I twist the top back on
and put away my failures,
one less than yesterday,
until tomorrow

-Alisha Jael

A Vision and a Prayer

It was hopeless
my view was lost
broken
like cracked glasses
that you wear because you
didn’t prepare for the worst
there were moments
quick chokes on false hopes
thinking I could be free
problem is… I already was
I just couldn’t see
so desperately
I prayed to God to give me sight
to help me fight for
what was already mine
find strength to say
goodbye
to my impossible mind
but God refused
told me …sight is useless…
purpose isn’t where… it’s why
He gave me vision instead
and said
see.. you’re free
and I was

-Alisha Jael

Speaking Your Name

my lips utter your name vainly
a cool breeze the only caress
that will undress me tonight
thoughts of you scatter into
the universe and become starlight
brightening the darkness with
incomprehensible chatter
speaking in intricacies of time
for moments that seem eternal
I lose myself in the sight of
this radiantly shaded language
hearing my own light begin
to rise in unconscious accord
epiphanies resonate around me
and I begin to see myself as I am
an imperceptible speck of essence
a simple syllable within a word
within a language within a truth
that exists beyond my finite perceptions
enlightened… I drift away
transcending the impure patterns
of speech we accept as reality
allowing the purity of honesty
to teach me true communication
if only you were here with me tonight
listening to the unadulterated starlight
we could coexist within this world
of wordless understanding
where there would be no lips,
no names, no disconnection
absolutely nothing to utter in vain